For I do not do the good I want...

Weighed in today...not pretty. In the last two weeks, since my last weigh in, I have gained 10 pounds. I definitely have a lot of water retention going on which is probably about half the weight. I can even feel the swelling in my hands and face. Still that is five pounds of not eating right. (I can't believe I am admitting this. But, accountability is accountability and part of that is to be honest...darn it)!

I can't stop, gotta keep going. If not my Dr says I die. Hmmmmm...let me think...food or life? Food or life?  I have a choice...a choice, hmmmm, I know I've read something about this - but where?

I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse: therefore choose life, that you may live... ~ Deuteronomy 30:19

I envy so much those who can see that clearly and change on the spot and begin living a life of positive choices, but I gotta tell you, in the majority of people, this is not so. We seem to struggle so much with making the right choices. Even when we know what the results will be, or we expect different results. That my friends, is the definition of insanity. Immediate gratification takes precedence over what we know is right.

None of us are immune to sin. Sin dwells within our flesh and the fight goes on. We so desire to do what is right - that is my desire - yet we continue to do what is wrong. This war has waged since the Garden of Eden.

For I do not do the good I want, but the wrong I do not want is what I keep on doing.~ Romans 7:19

Be of good cheer though my friends!! For once again we can know that God is on our side in this. If we are in Christ Jesus then we can know there is healing and forgiveness and the Spirit of God dwells within us. We can not overcome it alone. Though we sin in our flesh our spirit desires to do good and soon we can overcome the thing which pulls us down as we continually seek after God's ways and begin to turn away from our own.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13

Man, I never should have started this. I could go on all night on this topic but I need to get some sleep as it is 3:30 in the a.m. that I am writing this.

I continue to pray for all of you and ask the God of Mercy to draw you near and surround you with His peace. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you.

Thank you for your comments and suggestions it is nice to know someone is reading this. 8:)

Niecie

 

Oh, I Love/Hate to go a Wandering...

I will weigh in tomorrow. It has been a while and there is no new news I still stand at 34 pounds lost. But, I think I am finally beginning to understand 'why' I eat....and it ain't pretty.
I am struggling with a lot of pain. Apparently, I am having a "flair up" of some kind and my joints, legs, shoulders and muscles rebelling!! Thought I was past that but I guess not. Yet I know the Lord didn't lead me this far to stop now! So I would really appreciate the prayer. This fight can be tiring.
Just a reminder to some of you who may not understand the continual battle of the obese. Have mercy, please. When you are working so hard to change your life hearing childish comments and snickering as you walk by or giggling after you walk by makes things all the more difficult. You do not know where these people have been or what the reasons are for their obesity are so lighten up. I can guarantee if they knew why they were in that situation they would not be in it.
So, I have learned a lot about myself over the last few weeks. More than I ever think I wanted to know. Over the last couple of years I have been, as my Pastor calls it, 'in the wilderness' - I call it Wilderness World or WW. It is a remote barren place that seems to have no end. It is also one of the loneliest places I have ever been. It is like being a "Mental Hermit". People surround you, those you love are still in your life but there just seems to be a disconnect with it.
It is almost like being drawn away from the world. Only problem is, you don't know which way to go at first. You just kind of wander aimlessly until you tire then wander some more trying to figure out where you are going. Then, as in my case...you eat!! Cry, and then roam some more.
People would tell me that this was a place of growth. To me it felt like a place of pits and snares and mud canyons. ~~~~~~~Uh oh~~~~~~ flashback~~~~~~~~~We used to have this place at Camp Wa-Shaw tee called Lost Canyon. We would get to go once a year during our camp session. I can't remember how long we used to hike to get there but it was a ways - and seemed to be mostly up hill. When we would finally get there we would run down to this creek that filled with clear cool water, and then you stepped in and were up to your knees in mud!! Not kidding you! We had tug-o-wars over the mud we wresteled, waded, rolled, dove and swam in the mud, and it was thick! Anyway, as much fun as we had it was also inevitable that someone would get stuck and need to be pulled out of the mud. And shoes would be lost as well as other articles of clothing. Walking across that creek without falling was almost impossible. It was debilitating...but funner than heck! However, we would begin to wonder if the whole thing was worth it when we would begin the long trek back to camp. We were caked in mud it was on us, in our clothes, in our shoes - if we still had them, in our hair and soon it would begin to harden making you feel a little like the Tin Man in the Wizard of OZ. Usually the temperature would be in the 90's and by the time we would get back, get hosed down...yes, hosed down and took our showers - the only time we got hot showers by the way - we were spent and became zombies for the rest of the day. Hey, there's a novel idea "Attack of the Girl Scout Zombies" from lost canyon. Muuhahahahahahahahah!! Sorry, just a thought. :) The point, I think, is in the wilderness there are some "Lost Canyon's" appropriately named. Places in the Wilderness World that are hard to get through, time consuming and sometimes down right exhausting.
BUT, if you are walking through this wilderness now TAKE HEART!! Because you are not there alone. It may feel that way but you are not! The Lord is walking right along side of you. In my case He seemed rather quiet and it took me a while to figure out he was there because when I would get stuck in the mud and mire he would pull me out. When I was exhausted he would give me rest and when I was lost He would lead me. When I asked questions He answered and I wasn't always happy with the answer. I felt that I hadn't heard from Him for so long I was happy to hear anything. He has your attention I know He had mine.
I'm not out of the wilderness yet but I think - I think I am beginning to get it...
I continue to lift you all up in prayer and I am so thankful to have so many wonderful people walking through this with me. Thanks to you who have contacted me via comments, e-mail and facebook. It means a lot to hear feedback on this jibber-jabber. :)

We are Gods favorite (nana-nana-nana)

Well, I have had an interesting week...imagine that. First off let's get the weight thing out of the way...I gained 1/2 pound which is odd because I was on a clear liquid diet all Tuesday and ate nothing Wednesday, ate very little on Thursday and Friday morning before weigh in I had yogurt and a protein bar. They have been telling me that if I do not eat I do not lose.  Apparently they are correct. So, I am a little frustrated. It seems like when I am eating the most I lose the most. *sigh* Sounds a little Twilight Zone-ish to me.

This weekend I am going to be really serious about getting the diet started again. I am off to a good start today. So, hopefully I will see results soon. I better!! Now, I just have to get the swelling in my legs down and drink megatons of water...no problem.

This week I have been thinking about who we are in the eyes of Christ verses who we are in our own eyes. It is apparent that most see themselves as far less than they really are. If we could only grasp part of the love that the Lord has for us we would always be walking on sunshine.

Recently, I have had to face some spiritual truths about myself that helped me to realize the reality that there are 'forces' or 'powers' that draw us so far away from God and the way that is usually done is by destroying our view of who we really are and not allowing us to reach the potential we have or to feel we are are the people God created us to be.  I have felt like I was such a disappointment to God and that I could never be who he wanted me to be. I felt like a failure and incapable of doing anything God had for me. This had been because of somethings that I had been told in the past. It is difficult to see Gods view of you any different than what you have been or what you have felt or have been told through out your life.

There is an enemy- the devil - out there that wants to strip you of your knowledge of Gods love. He wants nothing but failure, self pity, hatred, unforgiveness, indifference and destruction for you. He is afraid of who you can become when engulfed in the love of God. Think about it. If there was someone in your past, especially as a child,  of whom you were jealous the first thing you did was try to make them feel bad about themselves so that they would not be able to succeed in their goals.

satan wants to steal you away from the one who gave his life for you, the one that took your sins for you.
Why would Jesus make the huge sacrifice he did for you if you were not precious and loved by him. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Call on the name of the Lord an you will be saved. We are ALL Gods favorite

It sounds easy, and it is. Jesus did the hard part. Confess your sins to the Lord, ask forgiveness, acknowledge that He is God, and let Him know you accept Him as the Lord of your life.

I really do not mean to preach but I need to hear this stuff too.

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Lord thank you for my friends and family that are so caring and have been such a wonderful support for me through this weight loss and healing process. Watch over them, keep your mighty hand upon them and deliver them from the hands of the enemy. Protect them and give them peace. In Jesus name AMEN!
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Fan into flame the gift of God...for God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self discipline. ~ II Timothy 1:6,7

I'm Baack!

Well lost 3 1/2 pounds...and away we go once more! I was so relieved and couldn't wait to just get it over with. I feel like I am back on track and now that I am off of the steroids. Yeah!

Processing the Brain...hmmmm.

Hi everyone! Hope all is going well with you all! Tomorrow is another weigh in and I am feeling good about this one. I've been patient, I've been good. So, we shall see.

Thanks so much for the response of the past being the past. It is just hard sometimes to remember that I am a grown up now and need to move on, up and away. It might just be the bipolar thing too. ;-) Yep, they say I am bi-polar...Of course they say that a lot lately. My brain and thought process gets quite the work out. I am sure by the content of some of my postings you will soon discover some of it may be true. Ha ha!! It is all good though it makes life interesting and gives my children and husband a lot of cheap entertainment. They shake their head and roll their eyes a lot. Between the ADHD and bi-polar issues I can be a bit unpredictable.  : ) That can be a good thing, right? I said right?

How are all of you doing on your weight loss - those of you who are dieting? I continue to lift you up in prayer and intercession the the Lord would empower you in your walk with him.  How many of you are in some kind of  a weight loss program or even just trying to do it on your own?  This is very hard work and I don't know how to do it by myself. Don't know what I would be doing without the support I have gotten. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. I really want to give some of this love back. Thank you soooo, much for all of your support! Please e-mail me with questions and concerns. I am by no means a professional but I do know how hard losing weight can be. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt.

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Because of His great love for us. God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive in with Christ ~ Ephesians 2:4-5
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Steroids Do Not Good Diet Pills Make...mmmmm yes!

Hi all! Well not good news today. Seems like all the steroids and potassium are holding me in limbo! At least that is their explanation. I know I am following the diet very closely but had a frosting less cupcake on Sunday and I am sure that wouldn't explain it.  So, guess it must be the Drugs...sigh. It is still frustrating when you know you are doing all you can do. I am trying to keep in mind it is not my fault...but it is hard. However, I am not wavering on this diet and I will be off of the steroids by the end of the week though I will have to continue the potassium for a couple months. I think that is causing me to retain water. My feet started swelling right after I started taking it.  We shall see.

Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement. They are gold to me right now. You all are just the best group of people ever!!

I also want to ask the if you go in for a free evaluation at the Metabolic Research Center Pleeeeaaaassssseee
let them know that I recommended you. This will give me an opportunity for free products at the center. I could use this very much as well. If I get enough credit built up then maybe I can help you or others out. The Center I go to is:
Metabolic Research Center
3604 Twin Creek Dr # 111
Bellevue, NE 68123-4079
(402) 682-9000
I really like Andra - she's my favorite - You can request her if you would like.
She is very encouraging but honest. The Evaluation is free but you have to make an appointment.
I think you can give my name at any of the MRC's.

Okay, so, enough about that. I have a question for you...the question is...is your past really the past when it effects your life so much in the present??? I know so many people that can just forget about negative things that have happened to them and go on with completely normal lives completely uneffected by the past. How I envy them! They have a way of just accepting things the way they are and jet past the emotional scars and negative responses.

My pastor speaks of blessing your past because the possitive and negative experiences have helped to make you you.

People say you should feel blessed compared to many others who suffer in the world.

Read the bible more...pray more...worship more...speak positively into your situation don't make negative words.

Well I have done those for my entire christian walk since 1993!!! It doesn't always work. Sometimes you have to attack the root so you can heal. I grew in the church fearing to speak or talk about many of my issues of life. There were a few that I could open up to but not many. And people would judge me because I wasn't like them.

Personally, I see walking through those things as faith because you are dealing with them with the Lord walking beside you and drawing the real you out. Does that make sense? I think if you just ignore the issues pretty soon things get rotten and provide food for the roots of distruction.

What do you think??? Just curious.

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Thank you Oh Lord that you are faithful to your word and that you care so much for every intricate part of our lives.
Please watch over my family and friends who are so loyal in praying for me. Bless them, hold them close to your heart and guide them in the areas of their lives where they need your loving, gentle touch the most and heal their bodies their spirits and minds. In Jesus Mighty Name, AMEN!!
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Please let me know if you are reading my blog and let me know what you think. My e-mail address is
boden235@hotmail.com. I would love to talk to you share ideas or help to encourage you in any way I can...etc...

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder...?

Well, once again I appologize for my absence. I am not giving up but went through a lot of junk over the last week or so.

I had my CT Scans last Tuesday and it looks like there was no change in size for my lymph nodes except the node in my abdomin they can not tell if it has grown or not because of the view. My blood test once again came back "inconclusive". So, I will have another CT Scan and all the blood test repeated in four months.
Fun times, fun times.

I have been having bleeding issues so will go in for a colonoscopy and endoscopy next Wednesday. My hematologist/oncologist says I have to get off of the Pradaxa and go back on the lovonox shots (blood thinners) and then go back on the warfarin (blood thinning pills after the scopes). Looks like another exciting week!!

I go for my weigh in tomorrow so I will get back to you then!! I have a few more things to discuss and hope to get some insight from some of you...I will try to get back here tomorrow.

Thanks for your continued prayers and support. I continue to lift you all up in prayer daily! Thanks to all of you that have told me about following my blog and in some cases shard how it is helping you. I am truly humbled by that. Love Y'all